What Causes Insecurity in a Relationship?

What Causes Insecurity in a Relationship

What causes insecurity in a relationship?

There are billions of people around the world and It can be considered magical when you meet someone special with all of the different choices out there. A great percentage of the population have involved in relationships at one point or another during their life time.

It is one of the best feelings when someone is always there for you. Someone who will always take care and support you in everything that you do. Most relationships turn into marriage and survive years of being together.

However, because people have their own unique personalities and priorities, some relationship problems are inevitable. There are a number of reasons why relationships struggle and fail. One of them is insecurity. An insecure partner can be hard to handle.

When both of you have insecurities, it may be hard to save a relationship and make it a healthy one. Both must be willing to embrace these insecurities in order for the relationship to become healthy and successful.

In this article, I will discuss the nature of insecurity in relationships, its traits, and how to deal with it.

What is Insecurity?

To put it in simple terms, insecurity or emotional insecurity is defined by the instability or uncertainty of a person’s emotional state. Possible reasons for this is because of a traumatic event or supposed inferiority in a relationship.

This means that a person becomes insecure if his or her well-being or ego is being threatened. The level of emotional insecurity a person has depends on his or her resiliency and how “relationship struggles” affect him or her may also determine how anxious a person can be.

What Causes Insecurity in a Relationship?

Now the question is, what makes a person feel insecure about his or her relationship?

“The main cause of insecurity is fear” – the fear of compromising the status of the relationship. The anxiety that a person feels is a result of how the environment and the people around him or her interact.

Some people may have negative experiences yet they are able to stay grounded because they have developed self-awareness. However, some people are affected tremendously by negative experiences.

  1. Negative history

Some people become insecure in their present relationship mainly because of some traumatic experience over past relationships. They may have been in a relationship that was abusive, failed romances, and other hurtful experiences. Some people may expect or perceive the same relationship to behave the same way. That is when insecurity kicks in.

  1. Way of Thinking

Deep-seated beliefs like those mentioned above cause a person to see their relationship consistently negative. For example, a girl may assume that her partner is angry or mad just because he is quiet but in reality, her partner may be thinking of some problem he can be facing at work. This type of behavior is a result of past frustration with other partners.

  1. Unresolved issues

There are other times when insecurity begins to develop and this is because of unaddressed relationship issues. You make think something is wrong when your partner does not respond to text messages. It may be because your relationship has taken a wrong somewhere down the line. If this is the case, then it might be best to sort out issues with your partner.

Signs of Insecurity in Relationships

When a partner starts to become suspicious, then your relationship may be in trouble. Suspicions from insecurity can drive to excess anxiety which is sometimes hard to manage. Here are some signs that you or your partner may feel insecurity:

  • Checking your partner’s phone

When you find yourself in the middle of the night checking your partner’s phone, then that is a big sign that you are insecure.

  • Doing everything with your partner

A major sign of insecurity is a lack of trust which makes you go after him or her wherever he or she is.

  • Avoids argument

Avoiding confrontation is also a sign of insecurity.

  • Asks about previous relationships

Insecurities also come from consistent opening up about past relationships.

  • Reassurance

You always seek approval with your partner.

  • Accuse cheating

You know you’re insecure when you keep on insisting that your partner is cheating even when is he or she is not.

Root Causes of Insecurity

Have you ever felt the feeling of self-doubt or lack of confidence? Despite accomplishments, do you still feel that you are like a fraud and is about to be exposed? Do you ever feel that you do not deserve love and that your partner may leave you anytime? Do you feel like you are never good enough?

Most people feel insecure at all times. The past experiences, childhood, failure, loneliness, rejection, social anxiety, negative beliefs, and past critical partners. All of these are some of the root causes of insecurity.

  1. Based on Rejection or Failure

Past and present events in our lives have greatly affected people’s mood and how they feel about themselves. Some research has claimed that 40% of people’s happiness quotient is based on recent life events.

The most negative contributors to happiness are a breakdown or end of a relationships, death of a spouse, loss of a job, and poor health. Since happiness is a major contributor to your self-esteem, failure can deliver a double negative effect on your confidence.

On a book entitled Emotional First Aid, the author states that rejection can lead people to see themselves and other people negatively. For those who have lower self-esteem, they become more reactive to failure. Negative life events can hold on to negative beliefs and lessen self-worth.

Some ways to overcome insecurity based on failure or rejection:

– Times heals everything. Give yourself some time and adapt to the new normal.

– get out and live your life according to your interests.

– Reach out to other people such as friends and families.

– Get feedback from people whom you trust the most.

– Keep moving and aiming for your goals.

– Try different strategies if needed.

  1. Lack of confidence due to social anxiety

Social situations like family gatherings, parties, dates, and interviews create a lack of confidence for other people. Insecurity which comes from social anxiety is defined as the fear of being evaluated by others which can lead to self-conscious and self-anxious.

As a result, you may tend to avoid social events in order not to feel socially anxious. Some past experiences may have led you to feel the sense of not belonging or to feel not being important or interesting to others.

Some past or present experiences may also include being excluded in groups or being bullied can consistently affect your confidence as you become an adult. This type of insecurity is based on the notion about your self-worth and the extent to how people perceive you.

But the truth is, some people who focus more on evaluating others are the ones who are covering up insecurities of their own.

Some tools to fight insecurity due to social anxiety:

– Remind yourself of the reasons that you can be fun or interesting.

– Think in advance of some things you can talk about such as hobbies, movies, job or family.

– Face your fears. Go to a party or on a date even if you are nervous. Once you engage with others, your anxiety level should decrease.

– Be sensitive at times and observe how people feel towards you. Find some similar hobbies or things that might interest you both.

  1. Perfectionism

Some people have high standards for everything that they do. However, life does not always turn out the way we want it to be. If you are consistently blaming yourself for being less than perfect, then there is a great chance that you will feel unworthy and insecure.

Even though you are trying hard, other’s perception of perfectionism might become unhealthy. Worrying about not being good enough can lead to depression, eating disorder, anxiety, or chronic fatigue.

Some ways to fight perfectionism:

– Evaluate yourself based on the effort you put which is controllable. Also, understand that no one is perfect.

What Causes Insecurity in a Woman?

What makes a woman become insecure and what are the causes behind it? Why are women often times complicated?

Have you ever wondered what a woman is thinking when you talk to her? Do you think you have done all that you can on your part to keep her happy?

Women are very complicated and sometimes it is very hard to read what is in their minds.  Even though women are complicated, they also put a lot of attention to little things which matters the most. Insecurity in women can increase between partners.

Here are some of the things that make a woman insecure in a relationship:

  1. Neglecting her

No person likes being ignored, especially women. When it comes to a relationship, no women will ever get past the feeling of being neglected or ignored.

For example, you invite your girl to a party with your friends and you become overwhelmed with catching up with them and you forget she’s even there. Then you realize that your girl has been standing along waiting for you to show her some attention and she has a look as if she’s ready to go.

This scenario makes women really insecure. When you start to ignore your girl, it will make her question her integrity and will eventually start questioning the relationship. Sometimes, unconsciously, it is the rudeness of the partner that makes a woman feel insecure.

  1. Communicating with your ex

Some people become very good friends with their exes. But always remember that even when you broke up, that doesn’t change the fact that you have shared an intimate relationship with her. The sexual chemistry between you and your ex in the past makes a woman feel very insecure.

  1. Keeping secrets

We are living in a world full of secrets and when you start to keep secrets from your woman, she will eventually feel that you are excluding her from your life. She will be able to feel things that are hidden from her (some may call it “woman’s instinct”) and this will surely bring insecurities into her mind.

She may start questioning things from you. Some partners will often say that they are keeping secrets because they want to protect their women. Some men are typically scared that his woman may judge him or scared that his woman will tell her friends.

If this is the case, then your partner may have other personal issues to deal with. The best thing to do is to become honest and be open with your woman.

Tell her all the secrets she needs to know but ensure her that it will remain between the two of you and not to hate you for it. This open communication can lead to a healthier relationship and lessens the insecurities in her mind.

  1. She has been cheated on

If your woman has been cheated on in past relationships, then it is almost inevitable that this could become an  insecurity issue. It is obviously the most common reasons why people break up and it is one of the worst things to happen especially to a woman.

If you cheat on your women and she knows about it, she will start to question herself and will always wonder what is wrong with her of why was she not enough. The moment she asks herself these questions will be the moment she becomes sad and feels insecure.

  1. Trust issues

Every woman has her own circle and when she enters a relationship, she lets her man go inside that circle. She will start to believe in her man and eventually will open up about everything including her past. Some woman will tend to trust her boyfriend more than she trusts herself.

If by any chance that trust becomes broken, that woman will also “be broken” and that will lead to the zone of insecurity. For men out there, never break your woman’s trust if you do not want to witness the madness of her insecurity…lol

What Causes Insecurity in a Man?

“Toxic Masculinity” is a phrase that has been used a lot recently. However, there are many people who do not fully understand what it means. Toxic masculinity refers to men’s mental state… When they feel their masculinity is threatened, it can often become harmful for them and others.

For men, feeling emasculated is a strong experience which causes them to feel insecure most especially in relationships.

The feeling of emasculation is a social construct in which a man’s worthiness and strength are judged based on the idea of society on what it means to be a “real man”. Particularly, younger men are more exposed to social norms which causes a decline in their self-esteem.

When it comes to relationships, men are usually not vocal in terms of what makes them insecure. There are unique insecurities that men have in particular. But being a man, they will never tell you about this. In a relationship, you will need to understand how these struggles affect your man.

Here are some issues that men become insecure about:

  1. He’s not enough for you

If your man wants to please you and he’s not able to do it, then it will generate self-doubt and insecurity. The phrase “I’m not good enough” also refers to the fear and insecurity that he is not able to please you sexually.

This is because men typically have an orgasm before women. When partners have sex, a man usually becomes less energetic after orgasm and this compromises his ability to keep his woman going and please her.

  1. Scared to lose you

The insecurity of men from not being enough lead to the road of fear and the fear of losing his woman. In this case, men will likely to become either passive and indecisive or possessive and controlling. But often times, this insecurity in men lead to controlling and jealous behaviors.

  1. Needs your approval

Psychologists points out that the insecurity in men comes in a form of dependence on others. If a man is dependent on you for his well-being, then most likely he does not feel good about himself. This will make you responsible for his vulnerabilities and inadequacies.

Your man will be likely to demand you to do things that he thinks he is not capable of doing for himself. This need for approval can burden your relationship unless he develops his sense of confidence in himself.

  1. Emotions scare him

In a conventional society, men are conditioned to hold what they feel and would distance themselves from their emotions. Men are usually insecure about showing emotions even with his woman which makes him emotionally weak. Men to do not always know what to do with their emotions and are accustomed to shutting them out.

As a result, some men do not know how to deal with his woman’s emotions at all. Men struggle because this makes him uncomfortable and the tendency is that he will try to hide his emotions and negates his woman’s emotions as well.

Aside from those mentioned above, men also feel insecure even when it comes to small and silly things. Below, we have compiled a list of things that make a man insecure without them even telling you:

  • Complimenting other guys

When a woman compliments other guys such as a clean outfit, fresh haircut, or being more fit, men usually feel out of the loop.

  • Does not appreciate little things

Men love to express their love through actions, but sometimes it can go unnoticed. Men are really passionate about things. For example, a woman who appreciates a man’s cooking and starts to talk about her favorite dish “that he makes” will lead a man to become more confident and less insecure.

  • Going out alone

Men often hate to go eat alone. Going out alone and without a date makes them feel insecure and awkward.

  • When women don’t listen

Men often become insecure when women do not listen. It makes men feel that their opinions are not valued and makes men frustrating.

  • Disrespected by younger men

Most guys don’t want to be disrespected, especially by younger men, and more particularly in front of their girlfriend.

  • When a woman is more skillful

Some men hate it when women are more talented or skillful than them. For example, when partners play bowling the woman has a higher score, it blows their ego and they can become insecure. They do not often show this and just smile but deep inside they are crushed.

How to Get Rid of Insecurity

If you always worry that your relationship might break down, then the best thing to do is to manage your fear. Here are some ways to stop feeling insecure about your partner and your relationship:

  1. Remember that you and your partner complement each other

Remember this, if you are in a well-matched relationship, both of you will supplement each other. Try to think about how you contribute to your partner’s life and how he does the same.

You will appreciate yourself more if you think about what you have to offer for your partner instead of thinking about what you don’t. Your partner will appreciate you more.

  1. Improve your self-esteem

As Abraham Maslow once said, self-esteem is one of the needs of a person. Studies have claimed that having high confidence and self-esteem can lessen the possibility of relationship insecurities.

Remember to feel good about yourself so that chances of your partner loving you can become high. Try to be sensitive about your partner feeling unworthy and always avoid criticizing yourself.

  1. Do not always depend on your partner

Every relationship must have boundaries. Both of you should have the freedom to do things independently so you both can become fulfilled. Spend some time with your other friends and families and not always depend on your partner. You can always put more energy into something productive.

  1. Always trust yourself

Remember that no matter how your partner lives his or her life, you should be able to take care of yourself. Trust yourself and be confident and learn not to lose your sense of self.


You and your partner can communicate better if each of you knows the causes of insecurity between the two of you. With this, you will be able to manage the triggers of insecurity in your relationship. Never hate a woman just because she feels insecure.

You as a partner play a big role in making her feel insecure or not. If ever she stays with you when you are at fault, make sure not to repeat the same mistakes. You should also make sure that you are willing to change if you really want your relationship to last.

What Causes Insecurity in a Relationship(3)


1 thought on “What Causes Insecurity in a Relationship?”

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